3:51pm Chilled

Dear A,

I've done a lot of thinking in the last couple days.

It's a little concerning how uncomfortable I feel when we don't talk for a stretch of time. It's just a normal thing that happens sometimes, but I hate how it affects me. I'm trying to get better.

I've been thinking a lot about the ways I behave and what governs my thoughts, especially when it comes to romantic relationships with other people. I've been trying to understand why I get so sensitive to the minute changes in other people's behavior towards me, and why I'm so neurotic about maintaining contact and feeling connected.

It's fear.

I am so terribly afraid.

I am afraid of the one thing I want in this world more than anything else, and I'm afraid of it because it means so much to me.

I've let this fear consume me to the point of irrationality, where I over-analyze and over-think and worry and jump to the worst case scenario. But this fear is very, very real. I'm afraid of cheating and divorce. I'm afraid of making the person I'm with unhappy. I'm afraid that I'm going to change and whoever I marry might love me for who I am, but not for who I become. I'm afraid that I'll make too many demands, have too many hopes, and project upon my partner everything I want them to be instead of simply loving them for who they are. I'm afraid of fights. I'm afraid of going to bed angry. I'm afraid of the person I love giving up on me instead of working things through with me. I'm afraid of the relationship growing old and boring. I'm afraid of being left for someone else. I'm afraid of circumstances outside of my control.

To make up for my fears, I try to adopt an idealistic outlook on love and relationships. I try to throw myself into them and give one hundred and ten percent because I believe that if I can do that, then the love will combat the fears and everything will be okay. I have the mindset that if I can love someone with enough fervor they will give it back to me in return and that will be enough.

But love isn't enough... sorry, John Lennon. My biggest fear of all is that when the lust and the passion of new romance burn away, when the love fades, there will be nothing left to take its place. What, if not love, is enough? What sees two people through the tempestuous throes of life? And how do I know that the person I choose to be with will be enough for me?

I'm sorry if these fears of mine have ever gotten in the way.

Love, M