11:22pm I Have to Get Up In 4 Hours

Dear A,

I love weddings.

The funny thing is, whenever I picture my own, it's very scattered. I don't have a real plan, I just have images that I see. Like flowers and sunlight. I know it's small. I know I don't spend thousands of dollars on a dress. I know it's not traditional. I will cry. The most important thing will be my vows which I know I want to start writing the day I get engaged. I want pictures to commemorate the day, but I don't think I need bridal showers, bachelorette parties or bridesmaids. I want all the people I love to be there in some capacity, but I don't need to make a spectacle of my love. I don't think a wedding needs to be an entertaining event for 200+ guests, which is what they've become.

My parents got married in Nana's backyard. My mom made her own dress. They had a harpist. No one walked down an aisle. But the flowers were beautiful.

I don't want to spend a year and thousands of dollars planning a wedding that will all be over in an eight hour day. I don't want to go through all the stress and anxiety of guest lists, invitations and seating charts. All that sounds awful to me, and it's not what a wedding is about.

Watching my parents go through this divorce made me very skeptical of weddings. I don't think people are meant to stay with on person for their whole lives, but I do believe in commitment. Is that contradictory? I guess what I'm trying to say is that marriage goes against nature, but since I am someone who is very loyal and committed, I like the idea of sticking it out with one person. I think it's a huge test of character. It's hard to love someone on the days you don't like them, but the reward of working through all of that is so worth it. Plus I love the idea of watching someone grow and change, and having someone in your life who has seen you grow and change as well.

Still, I love weddings. I love going to them and seeing the looks one everyone's faces. I like the fancy clothes and the good food. I love that everyone is happy for a few hours. I like believing in fairy tales every once in a while.

But you better believe that my honeymoon will outshine my wedding tenfold. That's where the real money and time and effort should be invested. That's something to look forward to.

Love, M