Dear A,
It is 2,759 miles from San Diego to New York City.
You're right, it is far. But there have been times when I've felt closer to you here than I did when we were in the same place. All relationships have obstacles, some are emotional, and some are physical, and this distance is ours.
I've tried to look at the distance as a challenge that has forced me to find new ways to connect with you. I've had to be creative and stretch myself in ways I've never done before. Instead of looking at it as a huge barrier to success and happiness, I've used it as a lens that has allowed me to see how much I'd go through to maintain what we have.
Is it frustrating to be separated by so many miles? Absolutely. But I know that it's temporary. Are there days when I wish I could retrace my steps and take back every single inch of space I put between us? Of course. But I'm also grateful for it, because it's shown me the type of love I'm capable of.
I worry sometimes that you see this situation in such a negative way that you'll eventually talk yourself out of loving me simply because the distance is too much. And if that's what happens, that's your prerogative. You are allowed to be whoever you want to be, and you are allowed to do whatever you want. You don't have to put up with anything that does not serve you. It's just that a part of me wishes so much that you'd throw caution and logic and reason to the wind and come see me.
It makes me a little sad that when I offer to come see you for a weekend, my offer is met with indifference and quickly brushed off. Maybe I just don't understand how things like that make you feel, and that's okay. I won't question your reasons. When I was in therapy, I was told that in a relationship, you are allowed to ask for things once. You may make a suggestion or a request one time, and it's up to the other person to take it or leave it. Problems arise when there is nagging or repeated asking in an attempt to get a different answer. And so I am doing my best to follow that advice.
I sincerely hope that whatever it is you see in me goes beyond how my butt looks naked. I make a huge effort to be a kind, patient, loving, accepting and receptive person. I try to give more than I take, think of others first, and approach all things with an open mind. I hope that outweighs the fact that my ass looks nice in yoga pants... because looks fade, and I need you to love me most for the things that won't change.
Love, M
Dear M,
ReplyDeleteDon't think that there are not moments when I want to drop everything and see you. My imagination (AKA hopes and dreams) creeps up on me and through a me into a world where you and I are going on trips together or a world where I am doing all things tht make me cringe ( think camping): I mean that in a good way. I've imagined spending days and nights with you exploring New York City and liStening to lectures, listening to music and eating food. Those are things that I want and I find them knocking on the door of my mind and heart often, but I remember what we went through in March and I have to tell myself to think about of how my actions could hurt you or another person. You told me not to tell you things regarding whatever I'm doing with another person, so I've been struggling with how much information I should divulge.
I've been seeing someone. We aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know If anything is going to work out. I don't know a lot. I do wish I were as strong as you. I've tried to show that no matter what happens I still want to be connected with you by calling or Skyping or reading your letters. I'm afraid that if I travel to see you or you start coming to see me, we will start to find ourselves in a relationship and I don't think I can do that with you on the other side of the country. For some reason typing that (I'm on my phone) hurt. Maybe it doesn't hurt... I think it's shame, which hurts pretty bad. Yeah, it's shame. When I said "shame" out loud, I felt the feeling of oxygen from heart deplete. I think I'm deeply ashamed of myself for not being able to just say "We are going to make this work even though you're in New York City." And the worse part is that I actually wish I could do that. Unfortunately, I have stupid needs, insecurities, fear and a lack of trust within myself. All of those things make me feel that I shouldn't through myself on a plane to see you because I think I'm going to hurt you... To be honest, I have hurt a lot of people I love... Not just romantically...
There are so many things I've wanted to express to you and I've never felt deserving enough to say them. I don't think I deserve you. I think that's why it's easier for me to say go on dates or not think about being with me or not going to see you. I just think with our current situation I am going to screw things up. No, it's stronger than that: I know I will screw things up.... When you wrote it made you sad that brushed off you visiting, I became sad. Trust me, I didn't brush it off or dismiss it... It's a heavy weight on my heart.
Love is weird... I guess it is a word we have attached to chemical reactions in our body that are made when you bond with someone. The sad part is that I know you love me. I know that I'd probably be a better person being with you. I know you'll be loyal. I know you will support me..... I can't say the same of this other person, but even if I were completely alone, I'd be afraid that I'd ruin anything we could possibly have because of the distance
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It made me publish before I was finished. I guess there isn't much more to say, but I did want to mention that I obviously like you for more than your butt. You're boobs are nice too :) I like you for a lot I thing, but I think talking about your body helps put some emotional distance between the way I feel about you and the what I'm afraid to feel about you. It's harder to say the "other things" because I know it will mean a lot.
ReplyDeleteI bet you weren't expecting this "letter"
Love,
A