It's hard to talk about the future when I won't allow myself think about it. It's not that I don't want to... I wanted to start planning the future with you a long time ago, but after that talk we had when you told me it didn't matter at this point whether or not I came back, I knew that I couldn't allow myself to hypothesize about any kind of future. Not while I'm here.
If I were to think realistically about the future with you, I'd want to start making plans. I'd want to count on things I can't count on right now; things that I can't ask you for.
That's why it's hard for me to say for sure that when I come back I'd move in with you and make it work and we'd basically be married and that would be it. How can you say things like that, but when I mention seeing you at Christmas you say that I might not see you? How can you be sure that you'd want to move in with me right away when you won't visit me here? I don't understand that.
The day I left, I wanted to start making plans with you for when I come back. I wanted to talk about all those things; about moving in together and being with each other. But you can't make long-term plans with me right now because you don't want to make promises you don't think you can keep. You don't want to hurt me and you don't want to get hurt yourself.
In truth, we dated for roughly two months, and during that time, even at its absolute best, you still had stuff going on with Andrea and you told me that you had come to peace with the fact that when I left it would be over and if it ever worked out again, great, and if it didn't, oh well. I want to date you when there's nothing in the way; when you don't have to go to therapy with Andrea and we don't have to worry about cross-country moves. I want to enjoy you. I don't want to rush through some of the best parts of getting to know someone. I believe in the potential we have. I believe we could be incredible. I've seen glimmers of it. I picture it all the time. But I refuse to move too fast. I want to be careful. I want to be smart.
I'm not allowed to talk about the future, but if I had it my way, it looks something like this:
I want to move back to San Diego in June of 2015. I want to date you. I'd move in with you, and I'd want to go all in... Facebook official and everything. Shout it from the rooftops. In an ideal world, I'd love to take a year off and travel with you. I'd want to go to all the places I want to see before I settle into a life and a career. Now, I know that's unreasonable, but I've told you from the onset that I wouldn't consider marrying you until I know we can travel together. Maybe we don't take a year off, but we'd at least have to do a big trip. That is my number one non-negotiable. The person I end up with needs to be my best friend and adventure partner, because I never want to stop exploring. I want to get to know your family better, and I want you to spend more time with mine. I want you to figure out what you're going to do in terms of your writing career and have some kind of plan, or at least a direction we could work in together. I see all of this taking roughly a year.
That's the way it plays out in my fantasy, but if I can't make those kind of long-term plans with you now, this is the reality of what I foresee happening:
I will move back to San Diego in June and apply for teaching jobs. I'll rent an apartment somewhere and at that point, we'd talk about "us." I wouldn't ask you about dating again until we were back in the same city. I wouldn't put pressure on the situation, I'd just let it unfold. If this is how it plays out, I'm okay with that. This is the reality I accepted when I moved out here. But no matter what, I'd come back with the hope of things working out with us.
You've been incredible since I've been gone. You give me hope everyday, and I love you dearly. But it's hard to talk about the future in hypotheticals. I need real plans. It's scary. I'm absolutely one hundred and ten percent terrified. But love is a leap of faith at some point. I'd do almost anything, go anywhere to give us a shot, but you have to meet me half way. I can't just be a guest in your world, there are things I need too. And I believe that you can give them to me.
My List of Non-Negotiables:
- Traveling
- Monogamy
- Unconditional love
- Kids (2)
- Home in California (although I would live in other states/countries temporarily)
- Communication and cooperation
- Working as a team/partnership/equals
- Openness, honesty, respect and trust
- Loyalty
- Embrace each other's interests
- Trying new things
- Pets (I would negotiate the type and quantity)
- Healthy eating and regular exercise
- Outdoor activities
- Quality time with family and friends
- Gifts (as described in the 5 languages of love)
- Time to do things apart
- Patience
These shouldn't be much of a surprise, but they're what matter most to me.
The future is a scary, unknown thing, but with the right person it suddenly be comes something wonderfully enticing to explore. And no matter what happens, even if I never see you again, you know I'll always love you. Even if this is all we ever end up being, I'm glad to have what I have of you. I am so very lucky.
Love, M
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