1:08am The Last of the Late Nights

Dear A,

We spent quite a lot of time together today, didn't we. I know it's not the same as sharing the same space... there is no substitute for that.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said this morning about what you need in a partner and what you have to offer when you're in a relationship. You didn't have to tell me that you're someone who has a lot of big ideas, but lacks the momentum and initiative to make them happen sometimes. That's one of the first things I discovered about you. Why do you think I planned out so many potential trips and tried to encourage you and push you in all of the professional endeavors you sought? In addition to a secretary and an academic coach, you need a sounding board and a cheerleader. You need someone who is going to believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself.

This morning you also told me that when you love someone, you're all the way in (insert penis joke). You would give anything and do anything for that person, even sacrificing your dreams for their's. Well, perhaps you don't remember, but that was verbatim one of the first things I said to you about how I am in a relationship. I said that when I love someone, I love them all the way. I don't half-ass. When I'm in, I'm all in.

That's why I feel so confident in saying that I could come back for you, that nothing and no one will keep me here if I don't want them to. I know it feels to you that I chose Columbia over a relationship with you, but that was never what I intended to communicate. I made this choice long before I met you, and even if we were married in July and you had to stay in San Diego, I would have still chosen to come here. It doesn't mean I chose it over you, it doesn't mean you're not a priority. You have to remember that I wanted to do this with you. I wanted to make it work while I was away by visiting as often as I could, promising the distance was temporary and finding ways to stay connected in the mean time. If you had seriously said you wanted to move here with me, I would have looked for apartments. I was always going to come here, and it breaks my heart that being together was conditional on me staying in California. But that was up to you.

However, I completely understand that it feels like I decided to let go of what we could have had. I think that is a very valid feeling, and I probably would be feeling the same way, were the tables turned. I think it is important to be able to own an error just as much as a victory, and so I would like to express to you how sorry I am that my actions have hurt you, have hurt our chances and have communicated a message I never intended to communicate. I hope that someday you will forgive me.

I know that all the difficulties we have faced since I left are purely circumstantial. I know that this has not been easy for you. I know you feel like you were just the next best choice, but you are my first choice when it comes to who I love each morning when I wake up. And I know that if the time comes when I get to wake up each morning with you, my choices will not be mine anymore, they will be ours.

Love, M