11:45pm Feeling the First Chills of Fall

Dear A,

Do you think that feelings have muscle memory?

I wonder if we will always remember how to love the people we've loved. Maybe that's why people who have been apart for years and years can find each other again; like my mom and Chris. They loved each other once, but moved on, married other people and yet, here they are, 40 years later, loving each other again.

I know I'll always remember how to love Grady. And you'll always remember how to love Andrea. As much as I've tried to forget that he likes his sandwiches cut in triangles, always sleeps with one leg out of the covers and needs time alone to write music, those things are all part of the ways my muscles knew to memorize my love for him. It's impossible to forget. And when that love leaves, we don't lose those memories, we just learn to exercise different muscles.

And you.... I've memorized your love in completely different ways, felt it in different parts of my body, and ingrained it in muscles I've never used before. It has its own set of rules and parameters that I have come to learn and commit to muscle memory. I'm sure I'll always remember how to love you too, even if I don't ever have the opportunity to do so again.

You are such a genuine person. I know I've said before that you are complicated to figure out, but I think I confused complicated for deep. To take you for what you give at face value, would be to know a kind and sincere man; someone who would listen to what you have to say, respond calmly, and without judgement. But given the opportunity to descend into the depths of you, an explorer would unearth so much more.

You are loyal and live, to the best of your ability, by your word. You are dedicated. You are shy, and not necessarily with other people, but sometimes with yourself. Sometimes the hardest person to approach is the one we walk around inside of all day. But I see you getting to know yourself better and better. I've seen you learn, from victories and mistakes, happiness and tears; and I've learned alongside you.

I've tried to challenge you to become strong in the places you are weak, and to excel in the areas where you are strong. I've tried to push you past the limit of your capabilities to show you how far you can extend beyond your perceived limitations. And you've done the same for me. I never want to be the cause of stress or grief. I want to be a positive thing in your life, one that you will want to remember with warmth and light.

I will continue to learn you, to lift the weights of your intricacies and stretch my understanding of your being.

It's been such a pleasure to commit you to muscle memory.

Love, M