Dear A,
I didn't sleep last night.
I haven't eaten today.
I can't afford what this costs.
I thought that you would be happy when I told you that my plan is to come back to San Diego in June so that we could have the real shot we deserved. I thought it would make you happy to know that I had sincere doubts that we'd stay in touch while I was out here, and you have proved every one of them wrong.
I wasn't sure if you were someone worth staying for, because I constantly felt like I was competing with your past relationships and that I could never really satisfy you. I half believed that when I left, our relationship would slowly fizzle into nothing. But much to my shock, it didn't.
I didn't think I would have enough to offer you without spending significant amounts of time in your bed. And again, you proved me wrong. You've shown me that I have value beyond a sexual context and you can still love me, even if you can't be with me. You've shown me that you're worth coming back for.
So when I told you this, I was very surprised by your reaction, especially when you said it didn't matter whether or not I came back because I already left. That was so hurtful.
That was about the last thing I was expecting to hear, but I guess it's good that I did. It's always good to know where you stand. The last thing I want to do is force something that isn't right. I guess we don't know the future, and while I can make it work out so that I end up back in San Diego, I can't make it work out that you'd want me then.
Love, M
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