Dear A,
It made me sad tonight to hear that you didn't really want to talk because you were feeling disconnected from me. You know, I can sense when things are off and I could tell you were only calling me out of obligation. I am all too familiar with that type of phone call.
I know you have a ton of things going on. I know you're exhausted. I'm sure that hearing me ramble about my stupid day is the last thing you want to do on nights like this. I get that. I also understand that maintaining a friendship with me takes work that you might not always want to do. The thing is, you love me, and that means you have to put in work that you normally wouldn't have to were we merely acquaintances. And I have to do the same for you. "There is no act of love that is not an act of work or courage. No exceptions." Remember? It's not always fun, it's certainly not always easy, but it's always worth it.
All of this being said, I'm probably the most understanding person you'll ever meet, and I know that people often take advantage of that. As much as it pains me to hear that you're feeling disconnected (because I'm not too sure what more I can do to fix that), I appreciate your honesty and I accept that I'm not always going to be someone you want to talk to.
Unfortunately, I'm a problem-solver, so after we talked, I immediately began running through all the ways I could make that feeling go away. And then I stopped myself. I feel like I've done a lot on my end to keep a connection with you alive since I moved here. I've made you cards. I always try to make sure I'm up to date with what's going on in your life. I text you in the morning before a big day or the start of a long week, and call you at night to hear about whatever has happened. I tell you about what I'm doing and send pictures. And of course, the biggest gesture of my commitment are these letters I write at least once a day. I didn't just decide to do this randomly, I knew it would be a way to ensure a connection I'd have to fight for.
So, while I've been wracking my brains to try to think of yet more ways I can help us feel connected, I suddenly came to the realization that maybe that's not even what you want. Maybe it's too much work with little reward, and it would just be easier to give up. Maybe the reason you're not feeling connected, is because you don't really want to.
It takes more than phone calls, text messages and Skype. Connection starts with commitment, and I think you're afraid of that. I think you don't really want to feel connected to me because you're afraid of what might happen if you open up, become emotionally attached, and I don't end up coming back. I think you're nervous about re-living what you felt when I left in July -- like you weren't a priority, like I chose this school over you, like I'd walk away from something I knew was good for an opportunity I thought was better.
Maybe I'm just not worth all the difficulties I've caused.
I can't tell you what to do or how to feel. I can't force you to find ways besides intimacy to connect with me. I can't make you want something you don't. Just remember this: I've always told you that I will never ask you to be anything but yourself. But I know what you're capable of. I know who you are and who you're striving to become. I've done everything in my power to bring out only the very best parts of you; to help you realize your potential, and support you however I can along the way.
The rest, dear one, has to come from you.
Love, M
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