Dear A,
Last night you asked me what it would communicate if you were to tell me you loved me once a day. I wasn't too sure how to respond to that question, and I still don't really know. But maybe if I start writing about it, an answer will come to me.
I guess I was initially surprised by that question because to me it doesn't really need much of a discussion. What would it communicate? Whatever you want it to, I suppose. When I tell you I love you, I'm not trying to communicate anything except that I'm thinking of you, that I appreciate you, and that you have some real estate in my heart. The point is that it demonstrates deeper affection than, "I'm fond of you" or "I care about you."
Now, my guess is that when you asked me what it would communicate, what you actually meant was, "What would it imply?" Those are two very different things, because telling someone you love them does come with certain implications and expectations.
The good thing (I guess?) is that whatever those implications or expectations might be, they can't really be given or received based on the current circumstances of our relationship. So the pressure is off. For example, since you love me, I want you to visit me. But I know that's not going to happen (and therefore I don't expect it) because of the explaining you don't want to have to do to the people at home (among other reasons). That boundary has been established, and so I have to find a way to let this love exist within the parameters set by distance.
To say "I love you" each day can communicate whatever you want it to. For me, it would simply be a reassurance or a kind gesture or validation for my own feelings. But whether you do or don't, my actions aren't governed by what you say. I act and speak of my own accord based on how I'm feeling on a given day or at a certain moment in time.
We are our own people. Our thoughts, feelings and desires are tempestuous. That's what makes things interesting.
Love, M
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