Dear A,
I've been thinking about what you said to me on the phone earlier. I know you're upset about what happened with Andrea and you said that it would be easier if I was there.
I think there's a reason why I'm not.
I think this is something you have to get through on your own. If I was there with you and we were together and you had me as a distraction, I'm not sure you'd actually force yourself to accept, deal with and heal your pain. I would be your band-aid.
You have to come to peace with what happened with Andrea, and you have to do it by yourself on your own time. But you should know this: her telling you not to talk to her is not because she hates you or she doesn't value your friendship or company. If I had to guess, I believe she said that because she is trying to heal herself, and she needs separation from you to do that. You can't be there for her like you used to anymore, because she's trying to learn to handle things without you. I have a feeling that she might not think she's strong enough not to talk to you on her own, so by putting the burden on you, she's protecting herself. And you have to let her do that.
Now, of course, I know very little about the situation, and I don't know Andrea at all, so I am saying all of this based on my own experience. However, there might be some value in what I have to say.
Grady broke up with me in September of 2012, and it took me until March of 2013 to finally tell him that he couldn't talk to me anymore. Up until that point, I thought that I could heal from our breakup while also keeping him in my life, but it was hurting me even more because I couldn't let him go. So, I finally told him that he couldn't talk to me anymore. I didn't want to see him or know anything about what was going on in his life.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am still not fully healed from it, and I think about it all the time, even now, two years later! I hate that I had to lose my best friend, someone who understood me at my core, someone who made me deliriously happy, but that's what had to happen. He didn't love me anymore, he'd found someone else, and I knew there was no way I could come to grips with that while maintaining a friendship with him. So I had to cut him out. I'm sure it looked completely different from his perspective, and maybe someday in the very distant future I'll be able to explain to him why I did what I did, but for now, it's the only way to keep myself headed in the right direction.
Things of the romantic nature are never simple and rarely easy. We want to lean on whoever is around us to help us through, but the truth of the matter is that the only person who can get you through this is yourself. You know that I love you and I'm always here for you if you need me. I will do my best to be supportive and understanding. I will listen when you need to talk. But at the end of the day, you are the one who has to carry yourself through this. And you will. And you will come out of it a much stronger, wiser and more sensible person. It will change you, and it will be for the better.
Talking about this is hard for me, because it brings up a lot of painful memories (it also doesn't help that tomorrow would have been my five year anniversary with Grady), but I have gained a lot of wisdom and insight having gone through what I did, and I am still healing and learning and growing from it all, even now.
So, be upset. Be sad. Be frustrated. Feel everything. Take all the time you need, grieve in whatever way suits you best. But move forward. Find the good. Find the lessons you're meant to learn. Find yourself. Focus on where you want to go from here and all of the wonderful things your life has in store for you.
Andrea will always be a part of your world, and even if you never speak to her again (which I highly, highly doubt), you will always love her and she will always love you. But don't let that hold you back or keep you grounded in a place you don't want to be. Love her and send her light whenever you think of her, but come to peace with the fact that your paths are diverging at the moment and you are each on separate journeys to recovery.
I don't know if any of this helps or makes sense, or if my ramblings are a waste of time... I know our situations aren't quite the same, but it's what I can give you at the moment, so here it is.
Love, M
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