“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Dear A,I don't know why I've been so into the quotations lately... I know you had a bad first experience with Tumblr, but it really is a great source for inspiration (and it passes the time when the hours between eating dinner and going to sleep start to drag).
Being a man who enjoys his solitude, I thought you might appreciate this bit of wisdom from the writer who brought us Letters to a Young Poet (a must read). I spent a lot of time today
One of my greatest fears (if not the greatest) is being alone. Even though I'm shy, I'm a connector (as Val always says) and I need people in my life. But, moving myself across the country to a new city where I don't know anyone has forced me to spend significant amounts of time in my own company. At first it made me uneasy. I didn't even like going to the grocery store by myself. But then I started to find joy in having quiet moments just for me and I learned to be okay with not talking to anyone for a whole day.
I've done a lot of things on my own here (seen shows, had a picnic in Central Park, explored Times Square, filed for a Social Security Card, taken a taxi, read a book in the grass by the river) which has tested my ability in the art of being alone but not lonely. It's very difficult because during all of those experiences all I could think of was, "It would be so much better if I could share this with someone," (except for filing for a Social Security Card. I wouldn't put anyone else through that torture) but I didn't have to, and had an enjoyable time regardless (again, with the exception of the Social Security Card process. Not fun).
All of this is to say that I think there is great truth in Mr. Rilke's statement. There is a lot of talk surrounding weddings about "two people becoming one" etc. etc. and that's just so not true! I would never want to blend with my spouse and therefore lose some of the most significant parts of my individuality. I want to live side-by-side and relish the beautiful wonderment of loving the expanse between my partner and myself. I want to explore that infinite distance and discover things I never knew everyday. I want us to be the guardians of each other's solitude and thus preserve our unique qualities; the ones we (hopefully) cherish the most about each other.
That's what love is all about, right?
Love, M
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