2:32pm I Should Be at the Gym

Dear A,

Wow... the third letter today and it's only 2pm.

It's incredible how the brain works. I've found that the littlest things can so easily trigger a memory to replay like a movie as I sit and watch unable to look away.

I was coming back to school this afternoon after taking the subway down to 50th street to pick up another ticket to see America's Got Talent (I'm trying to keep myself busy and I'm learning how to do things by myself without being lonely). I like to listen to music while I ride the subway (for two reasons 1. so that I avoid any unwarranted attention from strangers and 2. because it helps pass the time since the 1 train which I usually take is notoriously slow) and when I had Spotify on shuffle this song started playing.

Immediately I was transported back to 6th Grade Camp, to a bunk bed in the middle of the night, with you. Can you believe we got away with that? So much has happened between then and now that I haven't thought about that night in a long time, but Jon McLaughlin brought me back and suddenly I was re-living all of it. That was the first night we talked seriously about what it would be like to end up together. I remember listing the things I needed in a partner, and you did the same. We talked about a wedding. And we didn't have sex. Shocking, right? You just held me and we talked and in the morning when we thought Steve might walk in on us we lay in separate beds and laughed to ourselves at our secret.

I hold onto nights like those to remind myself of the way it feels to be loved by you, because sometimes I forget. Last night you said you didn't understand why anyone besides Andrea would want to be with you because she knows you well enough to know exactly what she's getting into. I think part of the enjoyment of slipping into something new with someone is the discovery that comes along with it. If we only stuck with what we knew, we'd live boring, simple lives. I can't know you as well as Andrea does, but in a relatively short amount of time, I've seen you at your worst, and been with you at your best, and the discovery of who you are and who we were together in those moments is something I wouldn't trade for the world.

I'd spend the night with you in a bunk bed in the mountains any day.

Love, M