12:10am Whittier Hall

A Letter A Day

As part of my course on teaching writing, I have been asked to spend at least 40 minutes a day on my own compositions. They can be whatever I want, poetry or prose, as long as they are meaningful and delve beyond the surface of my thoughts to discover something deeper. I will not be asked to turn them in or share them with anyone, but it has been suggested that I select a trusted reader to keep me accountable and be an audience for my words.

What reader could I trust more than you?

***

Dear A,

While this collection is called "Letters to California" it should be noted that the primary recipient of my daily thoughts is you. You might be wondering why. And I'm sure you're also wondering why, through all the crap and frustration and confusion and shit, I'm still spending my nights with you on the phone. Sometimes I wonder too. If I had a good explanation, I'd give it to you, but maybe the reason doesn't matter. Maybe all that matters is that it is.

For quite some time, I believed that if I was selective with my heart (in all aspects, platonic and otherwise), if I guarded it carefully and limited its exposure to potentially harmful situations, I could save myself from ever feeling anything bad. Well, being protective didn't just prevent me from feeling bad things, it prevented me from feeling anything at all, and my poor, sweet heart started to feel like the Tin Man without oil -- stuck and useless and empty.

Eventually I decided that opening my heart and giving it to the people in my life that I care about was the only way to feel good again. I love loving. I love it so much that it's worth the setbacks, sad nights and discontent that often accompanies it. The ability to love others is what allows me to connect and feel like I belong no matter where I go or who I'm with. And, as it turns out, people are much more receptive when they realize that you come to them with nothing but love and good intentions. It's how I got Edgar to keep track of his homework. It's why you and I are still talking.

"Love is love's reward"--John Dryden

You get what you give in this life, it's as simple as that. And the more love you're willing to hand out, the more you'll find coming back to you in ways you never thought possible. Love is given and received in an infinite number of ways. It's a cup of coffee in the morning. It's following through, and doing so on time. It's a supportive message on a big day. It's a much-needed surprise. It's a soft touch or a playful glance. It's taking a risk. It's a friendly hello or a "this reminded me of you" gesture. It's giving over and over, and never asking for anything in return.

And damn, it feels good.

Love, M