11:44am Sitting in the Sunlight

"There is no act of love that is not an act of work or courage. No exceptions." -M. Scott Peck
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Dear A,

I rediscovered this quotation the other day and I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately.

I'd like to focus on the word "courage," here. I actually had to look it up because it's one of those words that I know what it means and I know how it feels and I know how to use it, but if asked for the exact definition, I wouldn't be able to give it.

According to Merriam-Webster:

Courage 
noun
"the ability to do something that frightens one"
"strength in the face of pain or grief" 
synonyms: bravery, valor, fearlessness, intrepidity, daring, audacity, boldness

It's fascinating to me that such a word could be associated with something like love.

Love is painted to be magical. It's supposed to be a fairy tale with a white horse and flowers and a sunset. We think that it is the end of pain, the termination of suffering and the source of all the happiness we will ever need. But, as it turns out, it isn't any of those things. Not even close.

To love someone is to give them the ability to break you. It's frightening. By saying, "I love you" what we're actually saying is, "Here is everything dear to me, my heart, my soul and my spirit. I'm trusting you to take care of it. Be gentle, don't hurt me." And when love hurts us, as it undoubtedly does, we have to be strong in the face of that pain. Courage.

Sometimes the pain is too great and from the one we love we take back what is left of what we've given. We say, "I'm sorry, you've hurt me too much and I'm afraid that if I continue to let you take care of the most important part of me, you're going to damage it beyond repair. So I'm going to take these pieces for a while, try to put them back together, and when I think they're strong enough, I'll give them to someone else who might be able to take better care of them than you did." Work.

I regret that sometimes I give myself too easily. I want love so bad that I think I can withstand more than I am able to take. But, just because something is difficult or painful doesn't mean it isn't worth it. Eventually those acts of work and courage pay off in happiness and sunsets. What we give comes back to us. Just like John Mayer says, "I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me."

I just hope I don't break beyond repair before I get there.

Love, M