Dear A,
I guess I have more thoughts this morning than I realized. I'm hungry and I need to get up and start my day. But I know I won't be able to do that until I've written everything that's on my mind.
On Communication
I've been trying to figure out why I place so much value on communication (and not just with you, with everyone I've left behind in my move east). I've always believed in the power of words and I've kept a journal since 3rd grade, but what I've valued more than my own words are the words of others. I have a good memory for the things people have said or written to me and I cherish each loving sentence.
So, why have I been so intent on keeping up our line of communication during my time away? Why have I been adamant about making cards, keeping Skype dates and texting frequently? Because it's so easy. And it's all we have. I can't see you whenever I want. This is it. It takes less than a minute to send a friendly "good morning" text. It takes no time at all to put a stamp on an envelope and drop it in the mailbox on the corner. It is minimal effort to leave my computer on to see your face looking at me through the screen.
I don't ask for a lot. In fact, I hardly ask you for anything at all anymore. I'm not asking for your loyalty or commitment. I'm not asking for your weekends. I'm not asking for your late nights. I wish I could. I wish I could have all of those things to myself, but that's not fair. All I feel like I'm allowed to ask for now is a fraction of your time. All I want is to feel like I'm worth a text or a phone call on a regular basis. I want to feel like you care about what I'm doing over here.
I'm so afraid of being forgotten.
I often think about the moment this all falls apart; when you realize that it's not worth it for you to talk to me anymore because it doesn't satisfy you. I feel like I've been trying so hard to convince you that I love you as a whole, not in selected moments of intimacy or bliss, not when it's convenient, and certainly not just when it's easy. All I want is to feel it in return so that perhaps, if we ever do find ourselves on the brink of destruction, we'll have that mutual love to remind us why we're here in the first place. This had to have happened for a reason. We are not here by accident.
Communicating is so easy. A text message takes ten seconds. And it means a lot to me because it reminds me that I'm not alone, that someone is willing to spare a minute to say hello, and that I'm worth the gift of a moment of time. When I'm the one always reaching out I feel like I'm not worth those ten easy seconds. And even though I know that's not true, that's how I feel and it makes me insecure.
I can feel myself getting too caught up in this. I can feel myself being dragged down by my wants. I don't want to be like this-- heavy. I want to be light. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy.
I would like to point out that for a self-proclaimed bad communicator, you far exceeded my expectations in my first month here. I know you're busy. I know you're afraid of an "emotional attachment." I know you could go out and find another girl who could give you the things you need. But I hope you know that I've noticed the effort you've made to keep me around. The kind things you do never go unnoticed and I keep track of all the sweet things you say so that when I have moments of doubt or thoughts of throwing in the towel, I have a reminder as to why I put in the effort that I do to keep you around too.
You're worth it to me. I hope I'm worth it to you.
Love, M
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