Dear A,
All the new people are moving into Whittier today which means I'm going to finally have neighbors and people to talk to! This also means that the Fall semester is about to start (my first day of class is September 3rd) and this year is going to launch into full swing very, very soon. I'm happy. Time is going to start passing faster once I have things to occupy my day.
I've had a constant headache for the past few days which makes absolutely no sense because of all the water I've been drinking.
I feel bad that we keep missing each other. It's hard when we're trying to make an effort to talk and things get in the way like the time difference or other commitments we have. Part of me just wants to devise a schedule where we can set a time to talk that works for both of us. But I know very well that that will not work. You'll start to feel the pressure of obligation, I'll start to build expectation and as soon as the plan falls through, disappointment and resentment will set in and I'll go back to hating the distance and you'll pull farther away from me.
I often wonder how long we can keep this up. It's been almost two months that I've been gone and I feel like, despite everything, we've done so well! But, things are going to get a lot more difficult now that you're back at work and I'm going to start school and student teaching soon. I've always been a very dedicated and loyal person, so because I made the commitment to not lose ties with you, I know I'm going to hold myself to that for as long as I can. If there is ever any hope of us actually being together in the future (if that's something you still want), it has to be done. And if nothing ever comes of you and I, at least I'll know I tried. But, you must know, it's hard for me. It's difficult to maintain this sometimes because I constantly picture you with other women and wonder what the hell I'm hanging on for. I imagine you getting everything you need from someone else and forgetting all about me. Sometimes I don't feel like I hold enough weight in your world to not drift away like a wayward balloon.
But then I step back and look at the big picture and remember that you still call and so you must still care. Sometimes all it takes is for me to close my eyes, go back to the dinner we had when I visited, go back to standing by the ocean when you pulled me in for a kiss I wasn't expecting, and feel the love. That is enough reason to keep at it. You talk a lot about not knowing why anyone would want to be with you... maybe instead of thinking that way you should strive to be the kind of person you think someone would be lucky to have. I know you're capable of much more than you seem to see for yourself. I believe in it because I've seen it. You're not the wrecking ball you think you are. You are human, and you are both worthy and capable of whatever kind of love you want. And I'll feel like I've failed if you don't start to see that soon.
Love, M
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