This was the most difficult morning I've had since I moved. It took every ounce of strength I didn't have, to get out of bed and go teach. The kids have noticed that I'm not myself. Two of them asked me why I'm sad. I didn't realize I wear my emotions like billboards sometimes.
I've been trying to figure out where and how everything went wrong. For the last month everything was going so well. I was happy. I began to let myself have a little more faith in us because for the first time you were doing the things you said you couldn't do.
For the longest time you told me you couldn't come out here. You were so adamant that I figured it would never happen. And then, all of a sudden, here you were, and things were perfect and I was so happy.
I guess I let that happiness get away from me. I allowed it to let me dream a little too far into the future. But my feelings were only in response to your actions. They had valid cause. And then, all of a sudden, the rug of hope was pulled from beneath my feet. I don't know what caused this sudden shift, but it caught me completely off guard. I wasn't prepared. I didn't have time to guard my heart from the fall.
I can see now, that I have to go back to having zero expectations. I have to live my life as if you'll never be a part of it, because the alternative--having and losing hope--is much too painful.
This realization breaks my heart. I'm a go-getter and a problem solver. I want to have a solution to the situation we've been in, but no matter what I try, the effort is fruitless if I'm working by myself. So I resign. From this point on, I will try to paint myself a future without you in it.
I wish it wasn't this way. I wish the rest of my days could be like the weekend you were here. But I guess I got my ten minutes, and that has to be enough.
Love, M
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