Dear A,
I realized tonight that I'm not different from Donna. You've been telling me all along that you can't be what I need, that we should just assume nothing is going to happen. I haven't wanted to believe you, but I know you're right.
I suppose in my stubbornness I thought I might change you, but that is both a foolish and fruitless endeavor. I thought maybe in my love I could show you a life outside of Andrea, but there's nothing I can do that will ever compete with your emotional connection to her. I'm not jealous of her as a person, I'm jealous of her time.
And this is what scares me... suppose I come back or you move out here and we do end up dating. Suppose we end up living together. I think that I would be forever wonder if and when you'd leave me for her. I think I'd just be waiting for the day she'd pop up again. I don't know if I can risk the toll that would take on me emotionally. I just wonder if there's a gesture big enough you could make so that I wouldn't constantly be wondering if I'm good enough.
But, when I really think about it, love is all about forgiveness. It might be in part about communication, setting expectations and giving selflessly. But ultimately it boils down to forgiving the person you love every day for all the little ways he or she is bound to mess up. It's about seeing beyond the faults, but more importantly, letting go when those faults get in the way.
I know that if I were to pursue something with you, the first person I'd have to forgive is myself.
-M
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