10:54pm You Don't Read These Anymore

Dear A,

I am so frustrated.

I hate that your visit here a couple weeks ago has now been tainted by the fact that things have fallen apart and we are hardly talking.

I hate that you oscillate between being so close to me and then being so far away.

You're busy and I'm busy, but there is always time for the things that are important, and right now I'm not feeling very important. I know you think that laying low will somehow save me in the long run, should you potentially mess things up again. Well I think that's a little bit bull shit. You may think you're protecting me, but you're mostly protecting yourself. But I get it. I left. It always comes back to that, doesn't it? My hurt is all my fault for moving away and yet trying to cling to a life I left behind that never really was mine in the first place.

I talked to Aarika for a long time last night, and all I talked about was you. I told her how confused I am, how on the fence I am with everything now. I used to have so much hope, but sadly it fades with each passing day.

She told me that I am an incredible person, and I deserve to be with someone who recognizes that, and spends every day reminding me how wonderful I am. Don't we all deserve that?

I've been through a beautiful relationship that ended in the most horrific way. I have had to drag myself up from the pits of misery, all alone, to a place where I can stand on two feet. I have been through hell and back healing from that heartache, and I never, ever want to feel that way again. I'm so afraid I'm going to end up hurt, and it won't be your fault, it will be mine, because I am choosing to stay, to keep you in my life.

Part of me wants to run. Part of me wants to stay as far away from you as possible. I'm afraid of what might happen, and I'm afraid I'll only have myself to blame.

-M