11:49am The Dark Place

Dear A,

I find myself again in a place I hoped I'd never be.

The weight of things said and decisions made pounds my heart, which beats quicker than usual because it is in a state of shock and panic. 90 beats per minute when I woke up this morning. 90 attempts to circulate blood through a body that no amount of blood can bring back to life. This is the dark place.

I can't believe all that we had and all that we've been through mean nothing to you anymore. You shut yourself off from wanting me in an instant, and all that was good and beautiful between us was gone. What about all the nights we spent talking about a future, until I was so tired but tried to fight sleep because no dream could match the happiness of my reality.

What about all the "I love yous" and the hugs and the intimate moments of bodies pressed to bodies? Have you forgotten? Do those mean nothing to you anymore? These memories have been flooding me with a force I cannot fight. I miss them already. I miss when we were happy and hopeful.

I was nothing but true to you. I never stopped fighting for this. I never told you that I wanted to see other people. But you don't care. It doesn't matter. It means nothing anymore.

And so I'm left here, in the dark place, where I am forced to feel all of my feelings. Where I have to suffer through regret and sadness and disappointment and the most unbearable hurt. While you get to forget.

-M