10:19am Love Is

Dear A,

As predicted, I slept horribly and had terrible stress dreams. This is why I didn't want to pick up the phone last night. This is why I can't talk to the people I used to love. That love doesn't go away. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred -- and all the energy I used to love you has been transferred throughout my body. I might not feel it in my heart anymore, but I feel it other places. It hurts.

I understand why you felt the need to call. I was writing to you and you wanted to respond. But what did you expect me to say? Did you expect me to feel sorry for you? Because I don't. Whatever pain you're suffering, you caused. I told you last night that YOU are the only one in control of your life, and if you don't like something, change it.

I think it's kind of silly to claim that it was your "loyalty" to Andrea that caused you to not go back on your word with her. You never had any loyalty towards me. In fact, it seems as though everyone else's feelings mattered more to you than mine did. You couldn't fully give yourself to me because you were worried about how Donna would feel. You couldn't go to Hawaii with me because Andrea would be upset. I'm sure you thought you were protecting me. You didn't want to give me too much hope in fear of letting me down. But if that was the case, you never should have gotten involved with me at all. If you wanted to be with me that bad, if you wanted me in your life forever, if knowing that that will never happen hurts you the way you said it does, it shouldn't matter how anyone else felt. All that should have mattered to you was me. 

Love is a verb. Love is something you show again and again. Love never asks for anything in return. Love is selfless and unconditional. Love is a daily practice. So when you told me you loved me that night in my car, maybe you meant it. But you couldn't live up to everything that word entails.You let other people get in the way, and while I can forgive a lot of things, I don't know if I can ever forgive that.

-M