10:29pm Hope Floats

Dear A,

The hardest part about all of this isn't the lonely nights or missing your friendship.

The hardest part is not giving up hope.

I am struggling so hard to remind myself that I am a beautiful person who is worthy of love. I have to repeat it to myself every day in words and letters: the fact that you didn't want to love me the way I needed to be loved doesn't mean that no one ever will.

I have no idea how I'm going to trust another man again. I have been so hurt and so damaged. I have seen what I thought were good relationships fall apart right before my eyes. It takes so much for me to let people in now. I used to be so free and giving with my love, but I've seen the consequences of giving my heart away too soon and to the wrong people.

You said all of the right things. I think you tried to love me. But I think you love yourself more, and when I didn't bend to fit the exact mold you wanted me to fit, you cast me off like a shirt you outgrew.

You talk a lot about commitment and making things work and being in a solid relationship, but I don't think you have any idea what that looks like. I don't think you've been in a healthy relationship. Ever. I think you're used to the constant up and down. I think you're used to guarding yourself because the women you've been with were unstable.

I wanted to save you. I wanted to protect you and show you what love could be. I wanted to show you that I would stay. That I would be the constant you needed in your life. That I would love you even when you didn't deserve it. But that only works if you're willing to give the same back to me. And you weren't. You couldn't.

So, I have to let you go. I have to understand that I can't save you and I can't protect you if you aren't ready to put work into saving yourself and saving me in return. You can't be the superhero you want to be until you confront your weaknesses. Even Superman was weak to Kryptonite. You need to be able to let people in, to be selfless, to compromise. You need to understand that the people in your life have to come first -- not a job, not money, not your own desires. If you actually want to be with someone, you need to make that person the center of your universe, because the person who wants to be with you will make you the center of theirs.

I have to hope that someday, someone will love me the way I deserve to be loved. I have to hope that someday, I'll be the center of someone's universe and my love will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

-M