11:19pm The You I Wanted

Dear A,

I am so overwhelmed with everything that is happening (or not happening) in my life right now. In the next three weeks I need to have a minor medical procedure, finish my classes and final projects, pack up my room, donate things I don't need, send things home, move my stuff out, find a job, find a place to live and get back to a healthy mental state.

I have so much to think about and so much to do and I'm tired. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I just want someone to take care of me -- to help me. Normally I would call you at a time like this. You would calmly and rationally tell me that I am perfectly capable of doing everything myself, that I am strong and that I don't need help from anyone else. You would have me talk through all the steps of what needs to be done. And I would feel relief.

But I can't call you about this now. Despite all of the good that you brought to my life, there was also a lot of bad. I ignored the bad things, and when I did speak up about them, I was manipulated into believing they were my fault. I wanted you to be good. I wanted us to be good. I wanted everything to be okay -- I wanted you to take care of me. And you couldn't.

I've been writing to you here because, in this space, I can write to the best version of you. I can write to the part of you that I think loved me at one point. I can write to the part of you that talked me down, lifted me up and made me strong. I can remember you as the kind, sweet and gentle man I loved and wanted. Perhaps I saw you as these things because that's who I wanted you to be. Perhaps I projected all of these qualities onto you that you didn't have and maybe didn't even want. But I warned you that I would do this.

I really need the good you, tonight. I need the you that called all the time, that reassured me. I wish he was here. I wish he was holding my hand, running his fingers through my hair and telling me that everything will be okay. I wish you were the you I wanted you to be.

-M