10:13am Fear Itself

Dear A,

I thought that I was done writing these posts. I found myself using them as a way to complain about things I couldn't articulate out loud, and that's not what I had intended for this to become. But on the plus side, writing here also helped me make sense of my feelings, and I need that too.

I can't stop thinking about what you said to me last night. You said that your only concern about going to India would be the expectation it might set up. You're worried that if we travel half way around the world together, I will assume that to be a gesture of your commitment to me.

When you first expressed this concern, it sounded crazy -- not because it isn't true, but because it would not be the first gesture of commit that exists between us.

If I have any expectations about me and you, they come from every phone call, every lengthy Skype session, every ounce of support and time spent sharing and listening to each other across the incredible distance that separates us. My expectations -- hope -- for the future have been solidified in the little gestures you have shown me for the past 258 days since I left. A trip to India isn't going to set my expectations, they were set a long time ago.

In case it isn't already abundantly clear, I'd like to have a chance at being with you. I haven't applied to a single job in New York, not because there aren't any or I don't want to stay here another year, but because you aren't here. I've been trying so hard to get hired at High Tech not because I love the school (which I do) but because it's in San Diego, where you will be. This can't come as much of a surprise because I've been telling you since the day I left that if you gave me a reason to come back, that's exactly what I would do.

And you have. Everyday. And you know it. You are the only person I talk to on a consistent basis. You are the only one who knows about everything that has happened to me over the course of this year. You are the only one who makes a conscious effort keep in touch, to check in ... more often than my friends. More often than my parents. That's the gesture. That's the commitment. Not a trip to India.

You can try to reason your way out of it six ways to Sunday, but I know that the fact we've remained so close despite being so far away is because there is a part of you that is looking for that commitment too. There is a part of you that has hope or expectations for the future. With me. There is a part of you that doesn't want to lose me either.

I won't lie to you: yes, going to India would be a gesture of commitment. It will aid in solidifying a hope that I've had for over a year. So if that scares you, then I won't go. But let me be perfectly clear: there is going to come a time in the very immediate future, when we are going to have to commit to being together, or not. I need to be in a relationship where I don't have to wonder every second if I'm going to be left for the next hot thing. I need assurance. I need stability. I need confidence. And we need to decide if that's something we are willing to offer each other.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Love, M